Your bad? Fine. Just don't follow it up with one of the lamest excuses ever.
37 of the Funniest Excuses Ever Uttered
Updated on Jun. 05, 2025
Can’t lie to family
My cousin once called out of work because of a “death in the family.” Since I was her boss, it was a pretty lame excuse. —Reddit
Gambling for rent
Working as an apartment manager, I’ve heard every excuse for why the rentis late: Husband got laid off. Kids were sick. I lost the money order. Or simply “I forgot.” But the most creative excuse of all was this: “I only had half the rent. So I went up to the casino to try to double my money.” —Mikki Sams, Everett, Washington
Stolen towels
From my co-worker: “I don’t need a ride today, I’m not coming to work. Someone stole my towels from the laundry room, and I’m going to track them down.” —Reddit
Shedding pounds
My husband hasn’t been to the gym in over a year. One day, I asked him to come with me. “No,” he said, “I need to lose a few pounds before I go back.” —Sandra Curran, Vero Beach, Florida
Quidditch practice
People at my high school used to tell a teacher that they had to leave early for Quidditch practice. Yes, she let them leave and apparently hadn’t heard at all of the sport. —Reddit
Back to life
When our new hire didn’t show up for work, I called her. She explained that her mother had passed away and that she would need a few days off for bereavement. “Of course,” I said.
A week went by, andshe still hadn’t returned to work. So I called again. This time, she said she had good news and bad news. The good news: Her mother had come back to life.The bad news: She was sick again, so she had to stay home with her. —Benjamin Weber, Cincinnati, Ohio
Muffler on the wrong side
My former roommate, on the phone with his boss, “I can’t make it today. My muffler … is to the left.” —Reddit
No license
I was a federal agent, interviewing a young man for his security clearance. I knew that he’d been arrested for speedinga few years earlier, but he hadn’t said so on his application. When I asked him why, he said he didn’t think the arrest counted.
“Why wouldn’t it count?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t have a driver’s license.” —Miriam Kitmacher, Tucson, Arizona
Can’t hear correctly
My co-worker on why he was late: “I Q-Tipped my ears last night, and went too far into my left ear. My alarm was on the left side of my head in the morning, and I didn’t hear it till now.” He was fired shortly after. —Reddit
New furnace filter
Once, when my dad received an invitation to do something he obviously didn’t want to do, he replied, “I can’t go. I have to change the furnace filter.” Now, whenever anyone in my family doesn’t want to do something, that’s what we tell each other. —Debra Nelson,Hugo, Minnesota
Where am I?
I got caught texting in class and told my teacher I forgot I was at school. —Reddit
Overslept
I was an hour late for my appointment at the sleep-disorder clinic. My excuse: “I overslept.” —Lou Fleury, Royal Oak, Michigan
Fighting for my teacher
“I lost my homework fighting a kid who said you weren’t the best teacher ever.” —Reddit
Home to Texas
Working on an oil rig in North Dakota during the winter weeds out the riffraff. One day, one of my workers told me he had to go home to get a warmer coat. He was gone for a few days before finally calling to tell me he was home. Home, by the way, was sunny Texas. —Leon Hewson, Amidon, North Dakota
Dreaming of work
I had someone call in to work saying that they were going to be late. Why? Because they were at home sleeping, but dreamed they were at work, so they didn’t realize they had to get up. —Reddit
My dog ate your homework
I was in the middle of grading my students’ homework, and my husband and I decided we were hungry. I left all the papers organized in neat piles, and we ducked out. I returned an hour later to discover that my puppy had found the papers.
The next day, I called three of my students over to my desk to explain why I was giving them all 100 on their assignments: “My dog ate your homework.” —Joanne Beer,Las Cruces, New Mexico
You don’t need your finger to run
“I can’t do cross country today because I hurt my finger.” —Reddit
Late for dinner
I recently invited neighbors over for dinner. When they were about an hour late, I gave them a buzz to see what time we might expect them. The wife was nonplussed. “Oh,” she said, “I thought that was last night.” —Jim Godfrey, Freeport, Florida
Take your Grandson to Work Day
In eighth-grade health class, we were doing a “baby” project with bags of sugar. I forgot mine at home, and my excuse was “it’s Take Your Grandson to Work Day.” —Reddit
Lost in the snow
A student of mine claimed he didn’t have his homework because it had fallen into a pile of snow and was quickly covered by a snowplow. Of course, I didn’t believe him. Still, I gave him credit for concocting such an original excuse and allowed him to redo the assignment.
Two months later, after the snow melted, he presented me with the ragged folder containing the faded original version of his homework. —Michael Lorinser, Prior Lake, Minnesota
Allergic to water
My roommate’s lame excuse for not being able to wash her dishes: “I’m allergic to hot water.” —Reddit
Can’t go that fast
Years ago, as a young man driving a very old station wagon, I was pulled over for speeding.
“You know, you were going 55 in a 45-mile-per-hour zone,” the officer said.
I knew he was wrong and told him. “Honestly, officer, I don’t think this piece of junk can go that fast.”
“You know, that’s the best excuse I’ve heard in a long time.”
He then got back into his patrol car without ticketing me. —Arnie Maestas, Cumberland, Maine
No internet
I received an email from a student that said, “Yeah, sorry, teacher, I didn’t do my homework. I didn’t have internet.” An email! —Reddit
Late train
One of my chronically late employees showed up later than usual. At least he had a good excuse: “The train that gets me here 10 minutes late was 10 minutes late.” —Patricia Johnson, Brick, New Jersey
High fever
One of my cashiers once called off with a 112-degree fever. Needless to say, I congratulated him on his medical miracle for surviving when I saw him next. —Reddit
Invisible train
A guy claimed he was held up by the train on the way to school. There hasn’t been a train on those tracks in decades. —Reddit
Depressed cat
“I can’t go to work today, my cat is depressed, and I should take care of it.” This random excuse came from a physical therapist with a doctorate degree. —Reddit
Crow thief
I had a worker who didn’t show up one Monday, and his excuse was “a crow stole my car keys.” —Reddit
A lot of stuff to move
I had an employee who told me six weekends in a row that he didn’t turn up to work because he was “helping his parents move.” —Reddit
Sick cat
A student couldn’t come to take their final exam because their “cat was sneezing.” —Reddit
Water on fire
“Be right back, guys, my pool’s on fire.” —Reddit
Wanted to miss the final
I had a student tell me she would be missing the final to drive her grandma to the airport. I said, “Can’t someone else drive her?” She replied, “Yeah, but I want to do it!” —Reddit
Furniture shopping
“I have to go furniture shopping with my parents.” —Reddit
Tripped on the stairs
After a student was late to class, he said he had fallen on the stairs. He used that excuse several times too. —Reddit
Band first
“I’m in a band. I don’t have time.” Hey, it might be one of the lamest excuses ever, but people have to understand, right? Right? —Reddit
Elephant in the road
My mom’s excuse for being late for work: Barnum and Bailey’s circus was in town, and the elephant got loose and sat down in the middle of the road, and they couldn’t get him to move. —Reddit
Just play dumb
“Sorry, officer, I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to do that.” —Reddit
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Reddit: “What is the worst excuse you’ve ever heard?”
