From cheeky to punny, these hilarious "what's the difference between" jokes are guaranteed to bring the laughs
70 “What’s the Difference Between” Jokes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh
Updated on Jun. 30, 2025
What’s the difference between a good joke and a great joke? Timing, delivery and absolutely zero shame about how wonderfully silly you’re about to sound.
You know the ones: They start innocent enough, luring you in with what seems like a legitimate question, then BAM! They hit you with a punch line so unexpectedly goofy, you can’t help but laugh … even if you’re simultaneously rolling your eyes. These aren’t just jokes; they’re tiny masterpieces of misdirection. OK, I might be exaggerating the tiniest bit, but not much!
Fun fact: I once told one of these jokes during my first dinner with my now-husband’s family, and, well, they loved me right away. (They have wonderful, terrible taste.) I guess they figured if I could sell one of these gloriously groan-worthy gems with a straight face, I might actually fit in with their particular brand of delightful weirdness. Spoiler alert: I totally did.
Now it’s your turn to get in on the dumb, smart, literally laugh-out-loud magic that is the perfect “what’s the difference between” joke. Read on for a serious dose of hilarity.
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Funniest “What’s the difference between” jokes
- What’s the difference between a chronic worrier and a sports masseuse?
One sweats the petty things, and the other pets the sweaty things.
- What’s the difference between an Indian restaurant and a Vietnamese restaurant?
Indian places are naan profit, and Vietnamese places are pho profit.
- What’s the difference between an early bird and an ineffective politician?
One tastes worms, and the other wastes terms.
- What’s the difference between democracy and feudalism?
In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
- What’s the difference between a dating app and a lottery ticket?
With the lottery ticket, you know the odds are terrible up-front.
- What’s the difference between a sewer pipe and a goose’s tail feathers?
One’s the town drain, and the other’s a down train.
- What’s the difference between a pet door and a beret?
One’s a cat flap, and the other’s a flat cap.
- What’s the difference between flying mammals and apartment buildings?
One’s a flock of bats, and the other’s a block of flats.
- What’s the difference between a sold-out bakery and a tabloid newspaper?
One has a lack of pies, and the other’s a pack of lies.
- What’s the difference between Mordor and a glass door?
One does not simply walk into Mordor.
- What’s the difference between a group project and getting shipwrecked on a desert island?
The group project takes longer to realize you’re doing it alone.
“What’s the difference between” dad jokes
- What’s the difference between a joke and a dad joke?
The difference should be a parent.
- What’s the difference between an elephant and a doughnut?
You can’t dunk an elephant in your coffee.
- What’s the difference between the United States and a thumb drive?
One is the USA, and the other is a USB.
- What’s the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is breaking the law, and the other is a sick bird.
- What’s the difference between a hopeless romantic and an Italian exterminator?
One chases romance, and the other chases Rome ants.
- What’s the difference between antidote and anecdote?
If I knew that, one of my best friends would still be alive.
- What’s the difference between a piano and a tuna?
You can tuna piano, but you can’t piano a tuna.
- What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu?
One makes facsimiles, and the other makes sick families.
- What’s the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, “Give me all your money!” A professional thief says, “Sign here, please.”
- What’s the difference between an atheist shop and a religious shop?
An atheist shop is non-prophet.
- What’s the difference between a tight pair of shoes and the mailman?
Nothing—they both make your dogs bark.
- What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One needs tweetment, and the other needs oinkment.
- What’s the difference between a yacht and a boat?
About $100 million.
“What’s the difference between” jokes for kids
- What’s the difference between an envelope and a flagpole?
It’s OK to lick an envelope when it’s cold.
- What’s the difference between Gollum and a liar?
One lives in a fictional mountain, and the other lives in mountains of fiction.
- What’s the difference between a hundred-meter dash and a leaky sink?
One is a little run, and the other runs a little.
- What’s the difference between an onion and an accordion?
No one cries when you chop up an accordion.
- What’s the difference between a bedbug and a man sleeping with snakes under his bed?
One creeps over the sleepers, and the other sleeps over the creepers.
- What’s the difference between an abacus and a flaky friend?
You can count on an abacus.
- What’s the difference between an Italian barber and an angry circus performer?
One’s a shaving Roman, and the other’s a raving showman.
- What’s the difference between a prison guard and a microbiologist?
Nothing—they both watch cells.
- What’s the difference between a bicycle and a duck?
They both have wheels, except for the duck.
- What is the difference between studying geology and studying English?
Studying geology rocks.
- What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a dog?
Santa wears a suit, and a dog just pants.
- What’s the difference between a fisherman and a bad student?
One baits his hooks, and the other hates his books.
- What’s the difference between learning sign language and learning to speak English?
One is pretty handy.
- What’s the difference between a jeweler and a sea captain?
One sees the watches, and the other watches the seas.
- What’s the difference between a pie and a cobbler?
One’s a dessert, and the other makes shoes.
Dark “What’s the difference between” jokes
- What’s the difference between a teenager’s bedroom and a crime scene?
Crime scenes eventually get cleaned up.
- What’s the difference between King Kong and Janet Leigh?
One died shaking a tower, and the other died taking a shower.
- What’s the difference between an embarrassed bird and getting dumped?
One’s a blushing crow, and the other’s a crushing blow.
- What’s the difference between your keys and a dead cat?
A dead cat is always right where you left it.
- What’s the difference between your car and your ex?
Your car won’t drive you insane.
- What’s the difference between a refrigerator and your ex?
The fridge doesn’t text you at 2 a.m. asking if you’re seeing anyone.
- What’s the difference between a Porsche and a dead body?
I don’t have a Porsche in my garage.
- What’s the difference between the mafia and the government?
One of them is organized.
- What’s the difference between a good idea and a bad idea?
A few drinks.
- What’s the difference between a maze and depression?
One of them is easier to get out of.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
- What’s the difference between a robber and a politician?
The robber steals your money and then runs. The politician runs and then steals your money.
“What’s the difference between” jokes that make you think
- What’s the difference between imply and infer?
You never see a bear dressed imply.
- What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke?
Timing.
- What’s the difference between a teacher and a cynic?
A teacher answers your questions, and a cynic questions your answers.
- What’s the difference between a counterfeit dollar and an angry rabbit?
One is bad money, and the other is a mad bunny.
- What’s the difference between a bad date and a trendy abbess?
One is not fun, and the other is a fad nun.
- What’s the difference between a leaky sink and a souvenir stand?
One is a drip nonstop, and the other is a rip-off shop.
- What’s the difference between a serial killer and an apiarist?
One goes on murder sprees, and the other’s a herder of bees.
- What’s the difference between Catherine the Great and Louis XVI?
One had romantic flings, and the other was a frantic king.
- What’s the difference between wisdom and cleverness?
Cleverness gets you out of trouble, and wisdom keeps you from getting into it.
- What’s the difference between a merry-go-round and someone caught in a lie?
Nothing—they both go in circles until they’re stopped.
- What’s the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Lawyers earn frequent-flier miles.
- What’s the difference between a drinking straw and a busker?
One’s a thing for sips, the other sings for tips.
- What’s the difference between a philatelist and a wet bandit?
One’s a stamp dealer, the other’s a damp stealer.
- What’s the difference between a sad song and lunch from Sweetgreen?
One is a soulful ballad, and the other is a bowl full of salad.
- What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist at a buffet?
The optimist sees the sneeze guard as half protection. The pessimist sees it as half contamination.
- What’s the difference between a therapist and a bartender?
One helps you work through your problems, and the other helps you forget you have them.
- What’s the difference between a champion bodybuilder and a couch potato?
One has a muscle trophy, and the other has muscle atrophy.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. For this piece on “what’s the difference between” jokes, Laura Beck tapped her 15-plus years of experience as a professional humor writer for TV shows and magazines. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
