37 Funny Phrases Parents Use Instead of Cursing in Front of Kids

“Mrs. Andersen? We need to talk about your son’s new favorite word.” I’ll never forget that phone call from the preschool teacher of my adorable, cherub-cheeked 4-year-old. Like many kids his age, my son had discovered a fun new word and wanted to use it all the time—and the fact that it got a major reaction from all the adults around him made it just that much better. The word? Motherf*****. It was definitely a wake-up call and also the very moment I realized it was time for me to look into some of those funny phrases parents use instead of cursing.

But how he caught on to the word is a funny family story worth retelling—so here goes. The day prior, I’d been bending over to tie his shoe when his older brother threw open the front door, nailing me right between the eyes with the metal doorknob. And to be honest, I’m not much of a curser, but there’s nothing like pain so searing that you see stars (literally) to make a mom lose her, um … shiznits. I let out a string of curse words that would make a sailor blush. And of course, my kiddo remembered the best one.

When he got home that day, we had to have a long talk about appropriate language, and I learned as much of a lesson as he did. If you don’t want to hear your toddler call their friend a d*****bag, then you’d better not say it in front of them. As a parent, your creativity is one of your best skills—and we don’t just mean with Play-Doh. Read on to learn some of our favorite funny phrases parents use instead of cursing in front of their tiny tots.

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Funny curse phrases parents use

• “My curse words come out sounding like a mix of Yosemite Sam, the Swedish Chef and (before we knew what a horrible person he truly is) Bill Cosby, along the lines of Flootin’ frappin’ shligmen durnkin!” —Ted Williams

• “The other day I dropped something in the kitchen and, because I could see my son watching me, I exclaimed, ‘Ugh, fork me!’ He thought it was so silly; I was glad it was safe.” —Kylie Larson

• “Some parents are so creative! In the heat of the moment, all I can think of is curses! Because I’m original like that.” —Shanae Briggs

• “I go full-on sound effects. Like I say, ‘Are you (beep) kidding me?’ so that the part that is censored can be filled in by whatever curse word the listener imagines.” —Tor Bailey

• “I say ‘shoot the dog!’ when something goes unexpectedly wrong, like a house project or when the dryer breaks. Ironically, I only use it when I’m in a good mood.” —Rosalie Davis

• “My family loves to bowl, and whenever I throw a gutter ball, everyone waits for me to yell the f word. However, my ‘f word’ is fooey … or is it phooey? But that doesn’t start with f. Whatever. My curse word, my spelling!” —Shirley Jamiel

• “Instead of ‘what the f***,’ I say, ‘What the monkey?’ It works even better—because it’s so random, it usually diffuses the situation.” —Tor Bailey

• “I’m a big curser, but when I don’t drop a real f bomb, I go with frack. It works, and there’s the potential for some interesting environmental conversations.” —Sarah Barak

• “My mother’s favorite swear word when I was growing up was Christopher Columbus! I didn’t realize how funny that was until I became a parent myself and said it.” —Janet Elise

• “Sugar Honey Ice Tea is my favorite because it’s cute for kids, but adults can quickly figure out it’s an acronym!” —Anne Poirier

• “At 3 feet tall, my youngest is the perfect height to nail my very patient husband right in his tender parts. He yells ‘sunny beaches!’ or ‘fudgenuts!’ Depending on how hard the hit was, there might be some real ones mixed in too!” —Marianne Farquhar

• “I normally swear like a sailor. But there are some moments when even four-letter words aren’t enough to express my feelings. In those cases, ironically, I yell ‘all the swears!’ Which doesn’t technically have any curse words in it at all.” —Marste McDonald

Fake swear words to use in front of kids

• “I will call someone a ‘Richard’ as shorthand for d*ck. My twins and several adult friends actually think my boss’s real name is Richard.” —Tracey

• “My son once told friends from church that ‘my daddy says the f word all the time at home.’ I had to quickly explain that I say ‘fart’ instead, and that’s what we call ‘the f word!'” —Tor Bailey

• “The c word is the curse word I hate the most, but if I ever have to say it, I spell it out with ‘see you next Tuesday.’ Adults know what I mean and young kids don’t even pick up it’s a bad word.” —Alison Hill

• “‘The classic fudge is my go-to for anything from stubbed toes to an eggshell in the omelet to a realization that I posted a comment on social media with a spelling mistake.” —Nate Hamon

• “A colleague and I were brainstorming ideas for curse words you could say in front of her young kids at home. Shootskis was a favorite. So was fahrfegnugen. The best part is everyone started saying them in the office too!” —Lara Wiz

• “I’m from Minnesota, and for whatever reason, parents here always say ‘Uff da!’ I’m not sure if it’s from our Norwegian roots or even what word exactly it’s supposed to replace, but it always makes me smile.” —Kim DeBerge

• “I like to yell ‘shoot a monkey!’ when I drop things, break something, forget something. I have no idea where that came from but it works!” —Presley Salmon

• “I like to say ‘well, butter my bum!’ and ‘son of a biscuit!’ I guess I like food curses!” —Jeni Svestka

• “Clusterfluff. It has almost all the satisfaction of saying the original, but it’s way more kid-friendly.” —Anda Teverzczuk

• “Shiitake mushrooms! is apparently my go-to swear for when I’m in pain. Like, I’ve sliced my shin open on the dishwasher twice, and both times, I end up yelling about produce? We all know what word I was really thinking!” —Presley Salmon

• “I started out by using hells bells a lot, and somehow it morphed into hells bells and cockle shells which my kids mistakenly heard as hells bells and taco shells, and so now I just yell ‘taco shells.’ Yep, it’s like playing Telephone but with cursing.” —Carlie Pehrson

• “Sometimes I say ‘sugar dumplings,’ but let’s be honest, I just straight up curse most of the time.” —Cheri Gould

• “During the Great Lice Outbreak of 2015 (from which our household will forever be scarred), I discovered my new favorite phrase: holy cannoli! It replaced holy sh*t whenever I found another bug, and it’s even better because it rhymes.” —Maryrose DeGroot

• “If I want to curse and don’t want my kids to hear it, I just swear in German. Schiesse is my favorite. It means “sh*t” but sounds so much nicer!” —Jill Fairchild

Funny curse phrase alternatives that still hit

• “Once, when I was opening a fizzy drink, it sprayed purple juice all over the bench top, the floor, the ceiling and my clothes. ‘F…’ I started to say until I felt three sets of little eyes staring at me. I immediately changed it to ‘F … or coughs and colds take medicine!’ It was so funny that now we just use for coughs and colds to express frustration.” —Nate Hamon

• “Shut the f*** up used to be a part of my pre-kids vocabulary, but now it’s ‘hut the front door, which is way funnier anyhow.” —Amber Graves

• “As a foster mom, I’ve had quite a few kids that come with serious potty mouths, so I have a lot of practice with fake cursing. The one I probably use the most is friggin’, which I don’t love, but it’s better than the real thing.” —Lisa Gunn

• “My grandmother used to say ‘God d*mnit’ quite frequently until the grandkids came along. I grew up hearing her yell ‘God … bless America!’ I always wondered why she sounded so angry about America.” —Adrianne McMahon

• “Oh, shnuck! It gets my kids laughing every time—mostly because it comes out like ‘oh, shhhhhhhhhnuck!'” —Emily Tessman

• “Fart knocker is the one I use as a direct cuss at the kids. As in, ‘Stop fighting you little fart knockers!’ For emphasis, I’ll add frickin’. ‘Stop fighting you frickin’ little fart knockers!'” —Nate Hamon

• “When I slammed my finger in the door, I yelled out ‘son of a … nutcracker!’ Another favorite for when I hurt myself is cheese and rice!” —Casey Wetjen

• “I say ‘darn’ a lot. So when we moved to a new city and I got lost trying to figure out the GPS directions, I’d yell ‘darn!’ every few seconds. It got so much that my oldest just assumed that yelling ‘darn’ was just a part of driving, like turning on the blinker.” —Rosalie Davis

• “My husband and I have four daughters, so ‘oh, my hell … o kitty’ has come out of our mouths more than once!” —Nicole Westenskow

• “Mother trucker is my favorite kid-safe curse word to use around my two young daughters.” —Jennie Berglund

• “I almost don’t want to admit I actually say this, but here goes: Oh my freakin’ heck!” —Kacy Moller

While it’s true kids learn by example, don’t be too hard on yourself if you let a swear slip now and then. When you’re up for it, try swapping out those four-letter words for these funny phrases parents use instead of cursing in front of their little ones. It’s a lot more fun and way less awkward at parent-teacher meetings.

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Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.

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