When joking around with kids, some subjects are off-limits. Here, experts share the things you shouldn't tease your child about (not even a little).
9 Things You Should Never, Ever Tease Your Kids About
Sports performance
Fun is the No. 1 reason kids like to play sports, and “it’s no longer fun” is the No. 1 reason kids quit sports, according to a George Washington University study. When parents get too involved in the coaching process—even in a joking way—kids become afraid to make mistakes. Sure, gentle joshing around can be a playful part of sports. But it shouldn’t be done by parents, only by teammates and even coaches, says Carol Bishop Mills, PhD, a professor of communication studies in Boca Raton, Florida. “In sports, the teasing is done in the concept of being part of a team—parents are not part of the team.”
Making quips about your kid’s sports skills can not only make them want to bail, but it can also damage their self-esteem, says Gabriel Kaplan, MD, clinical professor of psychiatry at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School. “The child already knows they are not good at their sport, and they are already upset about disappointing their parents,” says Dr. Kaplan. “When they are teased, they feel attacked—insulted.” Instead, try to figure out whether that sport is a good fit. If your child enjoys playing it, “talk to the coach and find out what they can do to improve their technique,” he advises.
Academics
A disappointing grade can be stressful for everyone, but it’s not a good subject for teasing. In fact, ribbing should only be used as a gentle reminder to study or do homework—it should never focus on academic ability, which could make the situation worse, says Mills. “Parents have to remember that teasing always has to have an element of humor—if it’s not funny, it’s not a tease.”
Being upset because you wanted your child to get an A, but they got a C, is normal, says Dr. Kaplan. At the same time, parents have to learn how to turn it into a teaching moment. “It’s not wrong to say to your child, ‘I’m disappointed that you got a C,’ but then you must work with them to figure it out.” You may discover that your child isn’t a natural A student. “He might be B material, but if there are continuous C’s, you need to examine if there is a learning disability or maybe they are depressed or being bullied.” They’re all challenges to navigate—but none of them are laughing matters.
Shyness
Introversion and extroversion are traits that are wired into the child, explains Mills. “Teasing a kid about being shy will only make things worse,” she says.
While you don’t want to poke fun at your little wallflower, you can encourage them to spend time with a few friends, Dr. Kaplan says. He suggests setting up play dates at your house and making your home a center of play and connection. “If you try all these things and the child is still completely by themselves, then there may be something else going on,” he says. “Try talking to the school guidance counselor to see if an event took place that marked the behavior.”
Being smart
Teasing a kid about being super smart can be positive reinforcement, especially when they feel proud of being so-called “nerdy” or an overachiever, explains Mills. “But it is never okay to compare a child to another child.” Kids balk at comparisons to their peers or siblings, she says. “Comparing them to a superstar, however, like Albert Einstein or David Ortiz, is different.”
We often feel like our kids are extensions of us, but we have to remember that they’re their own people, adds Dr. Kaplan. “If the father was the captain of the football team and the kid is a bookworm, there will be some feelings,” he says. That’s why even a light quip about your child always having their “head in a book” might send the message that they’re not measuring up.
Weight
While childhood obesity is a serious medical problem in our country, teasing your child about any aspect of their weight or eating is off limits and will only backfire, says Dr. Kaplan.
In fact, of all the things you shouldn’t tease your child about, their weight may top the list. Unfortunately, there’s still a social stigma attached to being overweight, and it can hurt a child’s self-esteem. Studies show that being labeled “too fat” in childhood is associated with higher odds of having an obese BMI nearly a decade later, and the teasing they receive when they are younger can cause lasting harm.
“They already know they are overweight, and they feel awful about it,” Dr. Kaplan says. Sometimes a parent will crack a joke like “this kid eats everything in sight” because they’re really worried about their child’s health. In that case, schedule an appointment with your family’s pediatrician.
Fear
From monsters under the bed to menacing toy poodles, fears that may seem silly to an adult can be very real to a child. Turning them into funny stories or teasing your child won’t help them overcome their fears—in fact, it could make them worse. Like introversion and extroversion, risk-taking is another innate trait, explains Mills. “Some kids are born risk takers, and some are not,” she says. But teasing a child who is frightened about something is not a way for them to expand their horizons. Healthy parenting means making your child feel secure.
Choice of clothing
By age 3, most little ones master the basics of getting dressed. It helps young kids feel competent and confident. “When you tease, you bring up the possibility that they can be judged, and that can affect their self-esteem,” says Mills.
Not to mention, the way we dress represents how we feel about ourselves and what we want to project to others, says Dr. Kaplan. At first, kids hope to look like everybody else, as a way to feel accepted. But in the adolescent years, they long to find their own identity, he explains. Since personal style is all about who they are, even “harmless” jokes can feel like a personal attack, making it one of those things you shouldn’t tease your child about.
While there are times that kids can become too individual, such as dressing provocatively, Dr. Kaplan says that as a parent, you have to trust your gut. “When a child always looks sullen and is always dressed in black, that means they are feeling dark and sullen,” he says. This type of behavior shows distress and may even put them at risk of getting bullied, he explains. In such situations, dress becomes important because it can have social consequences. But teasing will only make matters worse.
Material things
When you ask kids if they know if they are poor or rich, even the poorest children will say they are rich, because kids don’t always understand that distinction, says Dr. Kaplan. “Adults tend to put a lot more into believing that their kids will be affected if they don’t have the latest PlayStation or iPhone,” he says.
Teasing a child about what they don’t have puts it on their radar, and it can stir up envy, resentment and unhappiness. Our role is to remind kids that even though they don’t have everything their friends have, they have a lot of fun with what they do have. One way to teach this lesson is to not draw comparisons (not even in jest).
Physical traits
Having red hair or lots of freckles; being short or tall; wearing glasses or braces—no matter what the trait, teasing your child about it is out of bounds, says Mills. It’s especially important to follow this rule when your child is younger. Parents teasing little ones about how they look can cause self-esteem issues that follow kids throughout their lives. “Younger children are still forming their self-image,” she explains, “and when they hear the messages enough, they internalize them.”
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Sources:
- Carol Bishop Mills, PhD, professor of communication studies and director of the School of Communication and Multimedia Studies at Florida Atlantic University in Boca Raton, Florida
- Gabriel Kaplan, MD, board-certified adult and child psychiatrist and clinical professor of psychiatry at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School
- National Communication Association: “The Ups and Downs of Teasing”
- Changing the Game Project: “Why Kids Quit Sports”
- Southern Communications Journal: “Predicting Affectionate and Aggressive Teasing Motivation on the Basis of Self-Esteem and Imagined Interactions With the Teasing Victim”
- JAMA Pediatrics: “Weight Labeling and Obesity: A Longitudinal Study of Girls Aged 10 to 19 Years”
- Psychology Today: “Raising Non-Materialistic Children in a Material World”
